Come, Let Us Tell The Truth

Chaos, trouble, that adrenaline rush manifest as a knot in the stomach and endless insomnia, there’s no drug more refined, more addictive, more alluring to me.  Still, it seemed to me as a recovering chaos addict, that I had, not conquered the addiction, for that is impossible, but that I could at least tell when a relapse was imminent.

I was wrong.

Freedom, you see, is terrifying, and there is no creature as free as man – no other creature can willy-nilly reach for self-destruction; no other creature can damn itself.  We of all creatures have that royal privilege.  We will never be freed from our freedom – that is the curse and blessing of fallen man.  So here I sit, at 5:40 in the morning, with a mess to clean, and relationships to mend.  Here I sit, facing the fact that I do not wish to fall for the sake of some object of desire. No, I wish to fall for its own sake.  Put another way, I want to fall so I can fall.  Think of it as metaphysical skydiving for infinitely higher stakes.

May the Lord save me from my freedom.

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